Looking For Calm

Having just spent 5 1/2 days away from my family and going on a semi silent retreat in the Berkshires, I feel compelled to share some of what is going on in my head and my heart. I had no idea how signing up for and attending Jack Kornfield’s “Wise and Loving Heart” retreat at Kripalu would have such a profound impact on me.
The week began on Sunday evening with the first of many silent meals.it was Contemplative Week at Kripalu where they really encourage quiet in most all places in the center. ( would I have signed on for this course if I’d known about the silence parts?) There was one small dining room where folks could talk, but there were also places where one could go to have a meal in silence. The first breakfast with Debbie and Ellen was so challenging… could not stop laughing- I was uncomfortable with the silence. Gradually through the course of the week, I looked forward to the stillness. I thought about what I was going to eat, did not overload my plate and took a smaller portion. I could always go back for more. I thought about where the food had come from, the hands that prepared it and really tried to savor each bite.
We were given some time to practice a walking meditation, and I went outside and found a small path in the woods that was snow covered and just lovely. It was so very cold and yet I was struck by the stillness …hearing the slight gurgle of the water on the rocks…listening to the crunch of my trail shoes in the snow…this was the first time I had ever focused solely on walking and hearing my footsteps. When I tired of listening to my feet, I listened to my breathe and watched it come out of mouth and dissipate and I was aware of the sound I made when I breathed in and breathed out.
The week passed quickly. I was grateful for each evening when we would drive back to Ellen’s. One evening we left Kripalu and headed back to the house. It was snowing and I needed some exercise so I put on my running gear and headed outside. I started down a road adjacent to Ellen and Rob’s house, and as darkness descended, I listened to the crunch of each foot as it hit the snow- covered road. The silence of the night was eerie and yet it enveloped me and despite the darkness, I felt safe. Each snowflake that landed on my face and eyelashes, lingering briefly before melting away. This night I felt freer and more alive than I ever thought possible.
( this entry is still in process)