Looking For Calm

There are simply some mornings where being still is a challenge and turning off the mind is an even greater one. I just had one of those times as I sat trying to listen to a guided meditation. There wasn’t a noise in the house, only the gentle hum of the refrigerator and the flicker of the candle that was on the table near me, and yet I could not quiet my mind. My dog had even stayed on the bed a little longer than is typical and so I could not blame her loud paws and movements as a reason for my busy mind. How is that not twelve minutes after we wake, ( and yes I have coffee already in my system after about 10) we can be so filled with thoughts that can generate overthinking, angst and even fear. I could feel my chest tightening as I thought about an email I had received. In the email was the mention of a culminating effort. It announced a large group endeavor, and I had neglected to submit my written part. I could not let this thought go as I sat in the quiet. Insecure thoughts, feelings of inadequacy and irresponsibility were creeping in to the space that was reserved for quiet and calm. I felt terrible, is this a reflection of me, the work I am doing in my life or did I simply forget to do something? Is this a measurement of me and who I am? I got through the meditation, but I am not sure how much meditating was going on. It felt instead like a wrestling match, a back and forth between thoughts of what I should have done and acknowledgement that I was having those thoughts and trying to return to my breath. I felt a long, long way away from some of the more blissful moments spent “sitting” during retreat some of which felt so effortless and calm. I can only “Begin Again,” citing the words of a wise sage who I am sure has had many a “sit” wrestling with an over activated mind and a not so forgiving heart.