Looking For Calm

I had a therapist tell me, when I was in my early twenties, that I should consider doing some meditation. We had done some visual imagery together, which I enjoyed greatly, but somehow the idea of meditating on my own was not particularly appealing, particularly when I had this idea in my head of what I thought it should look like. We have all seen the images of someone sitting cross-legged with eyes closed, in a blissful state with their hands laying softly on their lap or out to the side with finger and thumb pinched together.- in perfect form. The elementary aged school children whom I teach have even seen these images and they imitate them in class with eyes squished tight. Perhaps this is to get a giggle from a classmate, or because they have witnessed someone practice at home and on t.v., or it is because this is “what they think they should do.” My mom introduced my brother and I to meditation in the mid 70’s. I am fairly certain I thought it was a little weird. But I do vividly recall spending some time sitting in our yard in a big pile of leaves watching things go by. Life certainly was slower than. We hung around the house after school and on weekends…we spent a lot of time outside creating games in the woods and just “being.” I did not have the plethora of activities that our children have to rush to each week-from one thing to the next without so much as a minute to take a breath or even notice that we are breathing.

I did not take up mediation in my 20’s or my 30’s, two decades of my life that would have benefited from some increased awareness about my self and the world around me. Fast forward into my 40’s. During my first meditation retreat there I sat on my cushion feeling awkward, off balance and uncomfortable. The continuous thoughts flowing through my head were that I “wasn’t doing it correctly.” Call it performance anxiety, but I did have this notion that the long time practitioners in the room had mastered it-their posture was perfect, they were focused and their attention didn’t waver – ever! And then one of our teachers kept returning to a phrase, “Begin Again.” This resonated with me because it granted me permission to let my mind wander, to notice that my mind was wandering and try to bring my attention back to the breath or the body each time. I learned an expression earlier this week from a practitioner named Tami Simon…she prefers to think about Mindfulness as “Aware Fullness,” the space where we are tuning in to the present moment.” We are not “Aware Full” all day long (at least I know I am not), but there are moments that I am more focused on the present, like when I am taking my first sip of coffee in the early morning, petting my dog, Deja, listening to my kids tell a story on the way to school or embracing my husband in a hug after a full day. I try to be completely present and cherish these moments. Just yesterday my son and I took the dog for a walk in the Olmsted Woods. I came upon an aspen leaf that was the largest one I had ever seen. I picked it up, twirled it in my hand and was overwhelmed by its sheer size and magnificence. When are these moments for you each day? Where can you let go of what you have to get accomplished and enjoy the moment without worry or regret that you have too much to do? When might you diverge from your plan so as to capture a moment that you might have missed because finishing the project was more important than acknowledging and appreciating the process. Children are far better at this than we are, why do you think it takes so long for them to walk from one place to the next or to finish their snack or to get their shoes and socks on? They marvel at most everything that crosses their path, a snake, bug, dandelion, firetruck, or a perennial favorite a helicopter flying overhead.  I am realizing that presence looks different for each of us. It differs from moment to moment and day to day and even with the best of intentions, we fall short. If we are curious and compassionate with ourselves, the space to be “aware full” might become more accessible and desirable.