Looking For Calm

Routines and schedules are pretty important in our house as they are in most. We each have needs in this department. For me getting to bed at a reasonable hour (8:30 pm) is a necessity, because I rise early to start my day- eager for those moments of quiet in our house when no one but me,  the dog and our coffeepot are awake. Sleep is essential-I am a bit of a wreck without it.  I find in the evenings my brain shuts off and is ready for a rest, free from interaction, conversation and questions. For our daughter, this is about the time she gets a second wind. So while my eyes are struggling to remain open, she is usually wanting to debrief about the day-share what went on in her classes, address something that is bothering her around a friend, discuss the annoyances that her brother brings, engage in an activity, a game with the dog or a snuggle to come down from her day. For our son it is all about the daily schedule first thing in the morning. (The rest I have had the night before gives me a fighting chance-sometimes) What do I wear today, pants or shorts?  Who is going to drop me off? Will Caroline be getting on the shuttle?  What is the plan f0r after school? What is for dinner? What are  we doing tonight? The same questions are asked the next day, the next and the next. There are days that I feel patient around answering these questions and there are others that I wish at fourteen he could make a God damn decision about whether to wear shorts or pants. I know he is not asking these questions to be annoying, he is asking because he genuinely benefits from the affirmation that comes with a response like, “It is currently 55 degrees outside and it is supposed to get up to 70.” “I think shorts are great.” I think even if I wrote down the answers on the refrigerator, there would still be a need for our son to ask them and have them answered out loud. It makes me less frustrated to answer them casually, certainly better than if I just stomp around the kitchen, muttering to myself. “Would I feel  different if I told him to make his own decision and that I am no longer going  to answer this set of questions. Will he be calling us from college to ask them? Will he be ready for college? How will he be able to navigate the expectations that come with living away from home? He barely knows where the kitchen is-how will he fend for himself? I realize when I start going into fear mode and asking myself this litany of questions,  I have to slow down. I must take a look at the long view and not the “melt down” that just occurred over a bag of potato chips that he needed to buy before going to see the next installment of the Hunger Games. How is he not anxious when watching the horrific violence in this film?  This remains another question entirely. But I worry- that his anxiety will get the best of him, that his confidence will erode so he is not feeling surefooted enough to keep moving forward.

I heard something this morning that gave me a glimmer of peace and perspective…”no matter how far you’ve wandered in thought, this heart space, this awake tender awareness is only a half breath, a remembrance away.” We are trying to love our son unconditionally, to give him tasks and responsibilities that reveal to him that we trust him, that he is independent and can make decisions on his own without interference from us. It is hard. It is humbling and tiring, yet I know that we are all making strides-though sometimes it feels that we are deep in the muck and mire with not much light to guide us through. There are no manuals- no how to guides to ensure that we all navigate the terrain without a struggle. I do believe that the struggle is necessary to build resilience, belief and strength in who we each are as individuals and how we are learning to move through the challenges of life. The detours that are placed on our paths force us to choose, to risk and to question who we are and whether or not we have the courage to ask for help and stumble some more.  Without the struggle, we are not likely to demonstrate courage in the midst of challenge- to be able to risk and make mistakes along the way. “…this awake tender awareness being only a half breath, a remembrance away” brings me some comfort as I ponder the long view and the immense strides that have been made. I am grateful for the struggle. It isn’t easy and in no way shape or form does it follow a linear progression but we get there somehow, wiser for it,  perhaps a little more weary and weather beaten but we get there.