Looking For Calm

What happens when we decide we want to put energy behind something that has been nagging at us and will not go away, make a commitment towards working on an important social issue, serve a different population, return to work after a long hiatus, are no longer content with the work we are doing, or the place we are doing it in, or simply feel ready for a change? Typically  many of us dig in a little deeper, go through the motions, let the pangs subside and hope like crazy that we can move past the questions, the murmurings, the dreams of what could be and hang in there until the next round hits. It is never a good time to leave, the job will always be unfinished, we are all expendable, replaceable not nearly as important as we think we might be. Others will step in and continue the work with their own flair, focus and intentionality, and they will do a good job. This in itself can be  difficult because we want to be of value, want to be seen as having done good work, made a difference, cared about a community and left our mark somewhere. We contemplate making a change, consider the what ifs, write a list of pros and cons, talk about it with a partner or trusted friend and angst like crazy over the decision…should I or shouldn’t I? Obviously there might be financial implications to consider before taking such a step. The same amount of money will not be coming in, can I afford to do it? Where can I tighten up so the bills can be paid? How will I benefit and make good use of some time that might now be “free?” Might we consider other projects, aspirations, go out and learn in the field, take a class, volunteer somewhere of interest that perhaps sits outside of the comfort zone or arena that we have spent much of our lives. What are the emotional implications? Can we sit with the uncertainty of not knowing? Are we able to take one step at a time without the entire plan being in focus? Does it feel okay to tell people that we are doing some searching, some listening for next steps without assurances that they will come or that they will be heading in the direction that we anticipated. How does our ego feel when we step off the wheel and watch it go around without us? Do we feel liberated or terrified? Do we quickly run back to what we know how to do, jump back into the familiar in another safe place just so that awful, feel sick to your stomach, feeling will go away? Are we going to feel pressure to be doing something from people that we care about or people that do not know us at all? Will we be able to articulate what it is we are doing in a clear  way that makes us feel empowered by and joy filled about the decision?  Finish out strong, acknowledge when the news is shared in our community. Show gratitude towards the many that have walked alongside us and worked with us, that we have learned from. Show appreciation for a shared commitment each and every day to making the future brighter for young people. We can at least hope that is what we have done together. We sit, wait and have faith in what has transpired, trusting that deep in our gut feeling that we have made a good choice, no matter how unsettling it may seem at times and no matter how scary and vulnerable it has made us feel. It is in these moments, I believe, that we are hearing our inner teacher calling  for us and our most authentic self speaking to us. Are we willing to take the leap or does the fear of the unknown keep us from jumping?