Looking For Calm

She found herself rehashing again. It comes up from time to time even when she knows that the friendship is over. It has been over for some time. She will hear something wise in a podcast or come across a phrase that reminds her of the time they shared. She will see pictures of swimmers, drive by the parking lot where they used to meet up for walks. How easy they conversed with one another, the deep laughter that ensued during some of their talks, the inherent trust that existed between them. The ability to share vulnerably about what was on their hearts. And then there were not any of those things. How does this happen? What develops between people that allows for such a relationship to exist at all? When so many of us have been broken open by life, mowed down by people and experiences beyond our control. Can we trust deeply enough and let ourselves love? What are the ways in which we cut off, shut down and cast away? Are we reminded of situations and experiences that led us to despair to ones that we no longer trust? Do these take us back to places where everything we thought we knew was simply an illusion?

She finds herself checking social media to see how she is doing. Seems creepy as she writes this. Why does this matter? Doesn’t this simply stir the emotions and make her return to the questioning of how on earth things could have ended the way that they did. In a text and on a phone call! No more contact. She only asked for 10 fucking minutes…10… so that she could have a better understanding of how and why things went south. Only to receive a closed door in her face, a blank stare that suggested no acknowledgment of ever knowing her. She would never be given ten minutes. Cut off means that you do not have to invest emotionally any longer. You do not have to let love in because it is safer at arm’s length.

She has felt the loss, grieved the missing and sat in the middle of the discomfort. Healing. Slowly. Struggle. Gratitude. This work has taken time. Tears, long daily walks in the woods, conversation with friends who know her and love her. It helps to talk it out. Scream it out. In her heart she knows that she said she was sorry. She asked for forgiveness and forgave. Though reciprocity does not meet in the middle, it clings to the edges.