Looking For Calm

I confess that I have struggled across the last couple of years to absorb the definition of this word despite how meditation and mindfulness teachers, that I respect enormously, seem to weave it seamlessly into their teaching through dharma talks, guided meditations, poetry, practice and daily living.

Across this last year the uncertainties of life have tested me as they do each of us. I have struggled with the unnecessary hatred, violence, and political discord demonstrated in our nation and our world and found myself fearful of the future. My awareness, however, is growing and changing as I enter into the darkness and settle there. Even when the darkness knocks me over, leaves me breathless, buoys me, frightens me, gently encourages me, makes me angry, sad, brings me hope, renews my spirit, my faith and ultimately reminds me again and again of the infinite power of love. My father died unexpectedly last July and the waves of grief have been unpredictable and steady. I left my teaching job in January and returned after several weeks with a clearer understanding that I was taking myself away from learning and teaching about mindfulness (a 2 year exploration thus far). Deep down I was afraid that I was not enough and that my teaching was not good enough. My husband spent a month hiking El Camino in Spain while on a sabbatical from teaching. Our 14 year old son, who wrestles with anxiety, prepared for and successfully completed a 12 day wilderness experience deep in the woods of North Carolina having never been away from home or family for more than one night. My father-in-law has begun treatment for cancer. A friendship of ten years was tested with no certainty that it could recover. After much pain, hurt, truth and honest conversation, we found reconciliation and forgiveness. A dear friend lost her battle with cancer and I witnessed the grace with which she approached her illness and the courage she revealed while preparing to say goodbye to family and friends. Our two children have entered adolescence. Each day they emerge from their bedrooms with their legs longer than the day before and their fierce sense of independence appearing at unexpected times as do the fleeting seconds when they want affirmation of how much they are loved. “Hope allows us to see beyond what is and to imagine…what might be or what ought to be.” (Peter Gomes)

What are the places and spaces in your life where you feel as though you are navigating the darkness? Can you sit in these spaces and breathe allowing yourself to truly feel what is happening in your body, to notice if only for a few moments what it feels like when you place your hand on your heart and let it rest there gently while allowing compassion and kindness for your self, loved ones and all beings settle into your bones?

A fellow Mindful Schools instructor, Kelli Love described an equanimity practice that has given me much to ponder. Kelly’s work is devoted to teaching mindfulness in New York City schools. She supports educators and students in learning the practice of mindfulness and teaches why self care is essential to avoid burning out in a system that has a great deal stacked against it. IMC (Insight Meditation Center, California) describes equanimity as, “One of the  most sublime emotions of the Buddhist practice. It is the ground for wisdom and freedom and the protector of compassion and love. It wishes well for every human being without trying to change, control or manipulate.” Equanimity is translated into two separate words in the Pali language. The first meaning “to look over” refers to the “equanimity that arises from the power of observation, the ability to see without being caught by what we see.  When well developed, such power can give rise to a great sense of peace.” The second word in Pali means “all these things, being in the middle of all this and the balance comes.  The ability to remain centered in the middle of whatever is happening comes from a deep inner calm and inner strength.” IMC believes that there are seven qualities of mind that support the development of equanimity. They include: Integrity, a sense of assurance that comes from faith, a well developed mind, a sense of well being, wisdom, insight and freedom. My understanding is growing through my practice that I must cultivate these qualities of mind with patience, kindness, curiosity, empathy and without judgement. This a lifelong endeavor- there is no finish line, end game, diploma, record of attendance or resume that keeps me returning to the mat or the cushion day in and day out.  And there are many days that I struggle with staying because my mind is racing and my thoughts feel all over the place and out of control. Calm sometimes feels unobtainable. Eventually however the mind will quiet, and we can observe what is happening in this moment in our hearts and our bodies. And after being in the middle, equilibrium comes. We can miss this moment easily, just as we can miss the first firefly of the summer, the appearance of a rainbow, someone in need, a child or a loved one reaching out for to take our hand.