Looking For Calm

Are you ever critical of yourself?  What are the things that you are the hardest on your self about or things that you wish you could do with greater regularity? Lose 20 pounds or 40, exercise consistently, cook and eat nutritious foods, be more organized, go to bed earlier, stay up later, get up earlier, sleep in, watch less television, be more organized, eat fewer sweets, be a kinder, more patient parent, a better partner or spouse, more attentive daughter or son, be more successful, manage money better, know what you want to do with life and have a plan to get there. Whew, I am exhausted just typing this list, and yet I will admit to having an internal wrestle with myself about more than a few of the things listed above.

Consider for a moment why we criticize ourselves. Is it to self- motivate, to protect our self from pain, to pre-empt external criticism, to stay safe? How is it that we can tend to other people in our life with care, kindness, compassion and patience? When it comes to our “self” we are not nearly as understanding, forgiving and gentle?  We are quick to point out flaws, inadequacies, shortcomings, failures in our self as though holding ourselves gently and kindly, the way we might when we care for a dear friend or family member, does not come instinctively. Instead we fall into the default mode of being critical and tough on ourselves without so much as an incline toward the forgiving, kind self we often share with others.

What if you breathed something good in for yourself with every breath? What if with each breath that you took in you thought of a word, or a phrase that you could silently say to yourself. On this in breath, ‘Love’ on this out breath, ‘Peace.’ Or, ‘I love myself just as I am’ on either the in breath or the out breath. This is a fundamental shift because for many of us we can go entire day holding our breath or barely noticing that we are breathing at all. What if we made a practice of breathing in kindness for our self and the many things that go well for us each day or for the love that we share with others in our lives? Christopher Germer, co-founder of the Mindful Self-Compassion program explains it in this way, ”Self-compassion involves the capacity to comfort and soothe ourselves, and to motivate ourselves with encouragement, when we suffer, fail or feel inadequate. Self-compassion is learned in part by connecting with our innate compassion for others, and self-compassion also helps to grow and sustain our compassion for others. Burgeoning research shows that self-compassion is strongly associated with emotional wellbeing, coping with life challenges, lower levels of anxiety and depression, healthy habits such as diet and exercise, and more satisfying personal relationships. It is an inner strength that enables us to be more fully human-to acknowledge our shortcomings, learn from them, and make necessary changes with an attitude of kindness and respect. Fortunately, self-compassion can be learned by anyone.”

So how do we learn this skill? Like most things in life, this requires practice and attention. When we catch ourselves feeling as though we have fallen short in some way or that we do not measure up, can we notice and take a moment to wish ourselves well? “I am doing the best that I can.” “This is what I am capable of right now.” “I love myself for who I am, warts and all.”