Looking For Calm

“Goodbye is an unanswered question, a rudely interrupted story, and an intense longing. ” -Alyson Grine

Laura “Lollie” Winans’ life ended too soon and for the many who knew and loved her, her spirit remains imprinted on our hearts and the memories firmly planted in our souls. This week I took our 15 year old daughter to a shadow visit day at an all girls school in Washington, DC where we live. Driving onto that campus and seeing the girls in uniform brought a surge of memories back… many of which included Lollie. We met in 1988 at Garrison Forest, I can still remember her sweetness, her full, dimpled cheeks, her laugh and the reflection that came from her glasses (she looked beautiful when she wore her contacts although they were never easy for her to put in). Lollie was one of those people that you can never, ever forget. She loved music, mischief and just being around people. She used to hold court in “The Pit,” an outdoor smoker, where if you had the permission of your parents, you could smoke cigarettes. Lollie spent a lot of time in the pit. Lollie stood more than she sat, with a nervous energy and a quick wit. Her laugh could be heard from quite a distance. She was tall and broad shouldered and had a smile that lit up the sky. We were roommates freshman year. Lollie, Lisbet and me. We stacked our rather heavy ‘This End Up’ bunkbeds in a triple in our room. I am sure this was against code and each one of us did not have much sleeping space, but wow, did we love the room configuration. We played winter soccer together and Lollie was our indomitable, fearless goalkeeper with a great foot. We trudged about on frozen or muddy ground each winter and wore “dew rags” on our heads and thought that our Lands End striped rugby uniform shirts were pretty badass- actually, we thought the young girls wearing the rugbies were badass!. We spent a lot of time walking to Wendy’s on the weekends, ordering Large Fries and Large Cokes after study hall, and hanging out on the one payphone in the downstairs of Meadowood Dorm. Living away from home at 14 causes you to grow up pretty quickly. We loved each other fiercely, fought like siblings, held grudges, hurt each other’s feelings, were envious when friendships shifted and cared deeply for one another. We took photos of each other, not with iphones but with actual 35 mm cameras, and I cherish these photos. Senior year we had two singing groups in our class. The Ragged Robins were the girls that could actually sing and their voices were crisp, clear and angelic. There was a motley crew of us that continued on the tradition of the participating in singing, performing with the Shredded Tweets. And we were awesome!! Among our best numbers were “Greased Lightning” and “Shook Me All Night Long.” We dressed up, prepared sets, and sang in front of our peers and even brother school peers in the theater. I close my eyes and see Lollie in our Grease performance. She loved Phil Collins and the drums. She would “air drum” throughout the day and around campus. I still blast the drum solo from “In the Air Tonight” in my car every time I hear it even 30 years later as a salute to Lollie.

We lost Lollie in May of 1996. She and her partner Julie Williams were hiking in Shenandoah National Park together and they were tragically killed because they were gay. I can still remember the morning in May of 1996 when I stopped for a cup of coffee at Starbucks and picked up the Washington Post. The story was on the front page and so were Lollie and Julie’s pictures. I immediately called a classmate Leigh Batten, and we sobbed together. Words can never adequately express the pain, frustration and anger that ensued upon learning of these senseless, heartless murders. We must never forget, and we must continue to share stories of Lollie and Julie, because their impact was great, and their love for life and one another was deep. Thank you Lollie for the many gifts you shared with your friends, your family and with the world…you will hold a spot in our hearts always.

Deep Peace my friend!