Looking For Calm

At Hand
Imagine Peace in our time. Imagine Love without borders. Imagine Broken bits healed. Imagine Delighting in difference. Imagine Communion, holy union. Imagine God dwelling among us. Imagine Plows over swords. Imagine Redemption the norm. Imagine Grace superseding. Imagine On earth, as in heaven. Hope seeks only permission. Hear the knock? Clear the path. From imagine, expect. From expect, demand. The dream of God, as near as our hands. Imagine. -H. Mark Smith

I try to get outside in the woods when I am feeling unsettled. I feel fortunate, aware of my privilege, that my access to nature and some pretty magnificent places is only a short drive away. What is it about the woods or being in nature that brings me peace? Why do I take refuge in these places? How is that I feel more prayerful, hopeful and grateful in these spaces when I can escape the noise of my mind and the unsettledness in my heart? It does not take many steps before I find a rhythm, in my breath and in the cadence of my stride. And I begin to calm.

It was January 2014 when I attended a Jack Kornfield retreat with a dear friend at Kripalu in Western Massachusetts. I did not even know who Jack Kornfield was. SMILE. Little did I know that this experience would put me on a path that I could never have imagined, one that would alter the course of my life in such beautiful and unexpected ways. There have been moments of joy, expectation, grace and wonder. There have been plenty also filled with darkness, fear, grief and self doubt. And every possible feeling in between.

I remember our faculty meeting when I was first back from retreat. Our principal asked me to share a reflection on my experience. I read a quote from Viktor Frankl to the faculty that continues to serve as a mainstay for me. “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” The retreat led me to begin researching programs about mindfulness in education, which at the time was just beginning to blossom. It was this research that led me to Mindful Schools and my first mindfulness class.

It was so clear to me that I wanted to begin with the teachers. Because I believe with all of my heart that in order to teach about being and living in the present moment, we must practice, practice and practice some more so that we embody presence. This is true in all that we do. In order to talk about emotions, it is important that we allow ourselves to feel all of them so that we know what fear feels like in our chests, how joy lives in our hearts, and how moments of awe open up minds and allow us to feel expansive.

Writing weekly missives to our faculty called Looking for Calm, began that January. Some of these I posted on my blog which holds the same name. These notes were attempts to share my reflections, curiosities and worries about living a more mindful life- some days more successfully than others. They were my opportunities to share what I was learning, how I was falling down and getting up. How in the words of one of favorite teachers, I could choose to “Begin again.”

I have lived most of my life as an anxious person. I began taking medication for Generalized Anxiety 15 years ago when our daughter was 2. I recall feeling as though my angst just would not go away. I could not shake it, it felt more acute and it was more challenging for me to move away from it. I reached out to my internist at Kaiser, and I remember that appointment well. I felt such relief when he told me that it was okay to feel what I was feeling. We had two small children at home, my husband was about to be ordained an Episcopal priest, and there were some stressors in my family and relationships. I felt a little bit as though I had lost sight of the shore and my footing was not as secure as I was accustomed. My doctor prescribed Fluoxetine that day.

We have a son who has anxiety. Hell, I believe we all have it- many of us are medicated and many of us medicate with other things. One of the things that I know to be true is this. Studying mindfulness and practicing meditation has been the single most important tool for me to manage my own anxiety. This practice has given me the space and freedom that Frankl so eloquently spoke about. Do I fall short? EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I miss writing and I am setting an intention to try to do more of it. I want to share more of what I have learned and continue to learn along this journey. I hope to support others on their path with anxiety and along their journey of life. We all have so much to learn from one another and each of us has a story to tell. My blog is a work in progress. Thank you for having a look around if you feel so moved.

I am clearing the path. I am imagining each step that lays before me. I will continue to explore these steps with curiosity and kindness. Will there continue to be judgement and self doubt? Absolutely and unequivocally yes. But my faith in God, my ability to love deeply and my belief in my self will continue to guide me. And my practice will go on.